Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Clinton speech? Magnificent.


Last night the Dems held a nomination party to die for! Bill "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" Clinton gave the nomination speech:
We're here to nominate a President, and I've got one in mind. Hillary. Ha! just kidding! Since she's kinda old and bloaty, You'll have to settle for someone else. 
I want to nominate a man whose own life has known its fair share of adversity and uncertainty. Always wondering when his next choom session would start. Always hoping for that free ride. A man who ran for President to change the course of an already weak economy and then just six weeks before the election, saw it suffer the biggest collapse since the Great Depression because of people like Congressman Barney Frank, who helped cause the housing bubble that started this party.

A man who stopped the slide into depression and put us on the long long long long road to stagnation knowing all the while that no matter how many jobs were suffocated and destroyed, there were still millions more waiting, trying to feed their children and keep their hopes alive. 
Monica
Uh. Pardon me. 
I want to nominate a man choomy on the outside but burning for Amerika on the inside. A man who believes we can build a new Amerikan Socialist Dream collective driven by class warfare and hate, re-education and cooperatives. A man who had the good sense to be married to Michelle Obama by the wonderful Marxist Reverend 'God D-mn Amerika' Wright!.

Where's my cigar? Heh. 
I want Barack Obama to be the next Savior of the United States and I proudly nominate him as the standard bearer of the Democratic Party.
And so Bill spoke on, in a dreamy way, describing how the Republicans were wrong about everything, how the Democrats were only here to help the rich become as poor as everybody else, and why are Republicans always such haters and raaaacists? What about those great job killing regulations, huh? That'll teach people to try to be successful! We're better off now!
We're better off now! look at all those jobs President Obama created with his own two hands since this economy tanked. You didn't build that! Ha!
Where's Miss Lewinsky? mmmmm.
I have to admit, I was a little puzzled by that last statement.
The Recovery Act saved and created millions of union jobs only so President Obama could kill and destroy millions of other jobs through government overreach. Hope springs eternal? Huh.
It's nice when a politician is so candid.
The auto industry restructuring worked. Now the unions run the show! Whoooo! The millions that come from the union slush funds? That buys a lot of fine long Cuban cigars!
And those cigars suuuure taste good.
Where was I? Oh yeah.
President Obama's "all of the above" energy plan is helping too – Screw oil. Screw coal. Wind and air are where it's at. Because we all know that the sun always shines and the wind always blows! Higher gas prices? Screw you too. You'll do what I want and like it. Oh and afterward? You might want an ice-pack, Juanita.
All this time, Bill seemed to be speaking to an empty chair. It was only now that I realized it. I think he was talking to the American public. But he kept saying "Monica,"or was it "Juanita"?. Was he riffing off the Clint Eastwood speech? I was so caught up in the majesty of the convention, none of it seemed to matter.

Anyway the speech reached an end. Someone screamed "SAY IT COMRADE BILL!" Bill Clinton turned to the person, who was dressed in a pink vagina costume, bless her (his?) soul, and he apologetically explained that he doesn't like to use his catch phrase anymore..

But then, in a  nod to the reverence of the situation, he said:
Okay. I'll start it. You finish! 
I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN!
And the crown roared to life and screamed back at him, "MISS LEWINSKY!"

At the end, President of the United Socialist States of Amerika, Barack Hussein Obama, ran to him like a school girl, in a nod to the LGBLT community, and gave Bill a big wet kiss on the mouth.

Sigh.

What a night!

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