Friday, September 21, 2012

An Iphone bug that will cause the downfall of the planet


Someone should tell Al Gore about this immediately. He's a member of the board of directors at Apple.

There's a bug in the new ios 6.0 system for Apple Iphones and Ipads that is causing the older phones to warm and potentially heat the atmosphere into a China syndrome of global warming cataclysm.

My old Iphone 3gs has been heating up and draining the battery ever since I updated it. I've looked on line and discovered that this is a systemic problem. I've been running a computer model based on the number of older Iphones and factored in the number of coal powered energy plants that will have to be put into peak operational mode to recharge them. I've also plugged in the number of computers that will be running while their owners Google how to fix this thing.

Global brownouts and blackouts may occur.

Google servers, with as much capacity as they have, may be overrun. Then people would have to rely on Bing.

Yes. Bing.

Do I even have to tell you, gentle reader, how tragedious that would be? Imagine riots on a global scale. The computer modeling confirms this.

In the meantime, as the riots are occuring, all the energy production needed  to recharge all the Iphones will completely drain our energy reserves and cause reliance on wind and solar power, causing even more riots. But that's not all. All the energy plants will have belched so much carbon into the atmosphere that it'll cause irreversible green-house effect.

Based on the models, our earth will be turned into a soupy hot mess of mutated hominids (did I mention that according to the models, we'll all become zombies due to the radiation from our phones?)

The horror.

I'm only glad to be the one to have discovered this problem, and may have found the solution, but I'll need a government grant, of course to study the situation further.

It involves opening all the windows around the world and running the air conditioning so that we may cool Mother Gaia to previous levels.

My models are very accurate, so I know that this may work. Of course nothing is a sure thing, so I'll need more funding to study the situation.

If it is discovered that I have donated many thousands of dollars from my government grants to the Obama campaign, I assure the gentle reader that it's only because it's important to continue the research and anyway it's all lies, and that there is a squirrel that the gentle reader needs to look at.

Right over there.

1 comment:

  1. Obama is a Muslim - he said so in an interview with George Stephanopolus in 2008, he bowed to the Saudi King (who paid for his Harvard education), he was born a Muslim, raised by a Muslim stepfather, went to a Muslim school in Indonesia, he supports the takeover of Egypt and many other Middle Eastern countries by the Muslim Brotherhood (a terrorist group with roots going back to WWII when they worked closely with Adolf Hitler), he refused to meet with Netanyahu but had time for Letterman and The View, and just yesterday in front of the UN he said "the future should not belong to those who slander the name of the prophet of Islam". Is there anything else the American "Sheeple" need to know about this guy? He hates America! He hates Americans - after all we are Infidels. If he is re-elected - God help us - because we will be under an Islamic dictatorship with sharia law by the end of his 2nd term.

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